Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
