Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
