I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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