I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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