Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It all started with a game of naked twister.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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