somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
