I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
