i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
