R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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