If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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