Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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