She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
