He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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