The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
