you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
