if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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