Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
