You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
