i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There's always time for handjobs
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
