I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
