GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
