Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
