I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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