Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
