I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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