Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
