Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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