Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
i think i just lost a toe
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
