Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
