She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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