her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
