god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
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I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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