I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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