Four minutes until I can fart!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
