i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
