Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
