I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
