Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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