One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
