Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
