operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
