Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
