when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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