I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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