I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I pour the whiskey from now on
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
