She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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