She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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