fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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