So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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