i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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