i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize