I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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