i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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