i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
