He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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