Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
