I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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