the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
